Kirk’s Apptitude Tip #1: Do Not Personalize Anything...EVER

If you have a thin skin, use hookup and dating apps at your own peril. At times, despite (and possibly because of) your open-heartedness, you will be scratched and clawed — possibly even emotionally mangled.

When we text strangers, so much can be misconstrued and lost in translation. Expect rejection, ridicule and ghosting from time to time. And never forget, you are dealing with the general public. (Ever been to a big box store on Black Friday? ‘Nuf said.) There are a lot of unconscious people in the world and attractions can go south quickly.

In the Trump era, where bullying and harassment have sadly become a staple of the American landscape, prepare yourself for the worst of humanity to rise up like a Whack-a-Mole and under no circumstance personalize the ugliness and mean-spiritedness of those who hate. Their karma will be their own reward, not yours. Haters will project their own shadows onto you. Not only don’t these men have a clue how wonderful you are, they most likely lack the capacity to even ask the right questions to find out. (You may read that last sentence again. You’re welcome.)

Over time, your radar will improve and you will learn to avoid negative people like STDs. Your capacity for rejection will also increase as you reach the glorious safe haven of indifference and equanimity that I call “The Fuck It Stage.” (Welcome, we’ve been expecting you.)

RECOMMENDATION: Block mean people and MOVE ON!

CAVEAT: If negative feedback from others is consistent, remember, YOU are the common denominator. It’s time to look in the mirror, eat your humble pie, get some emotional guidance, and get back on the horse. Also, if you’re being unkind, remember, you get what you give. Karma becomes an even bigger ass kicker as we grow as spiritual beings.

Kirk’s Apptitude Tip #5: Always Meet Your Matches in Person ASAP

Dating and hookup apps can facilitate joyous connections. They also can have a rather dark underbelly. Expect a minefield complete with the occasional unconscious, wounded soul completely misrepresenting themself. To combat this, I strongly suggest pretending your app is a video game populated by "avatars" (thumbnails).

Some of these avatars represent honest, lovely human beings, some represent selfish, unethical hungry ghosts. For sanity sake, believe absolutely nothing/no one when you start playing. After all, apps are fantastical worlds of smoke and mirrors just like video games.

If you like someone’s avatar and they like yours, great! If you are enjoying your chat, even better! But always remember NOTHING is real...yet.

Trust must be accrued.

If you are an old-school romantic and enjoy courtship via words, by all means take the slow train. BUT, again, treat it with all the seriousness of a video game and keep reminding yourself that everything is illusion. EVERYTHING. Check in with your body. If you are enjoying the game in the moment, great. No harm done. Enjoy the witty banter, but know that to harbor strong attachments to your mystery person at this stage is almost always a big mistake. Spending hours and days texting to forge a real-world connection is an even bigger mistake.

Here's the key: immediately after you have established a rapport, suggest connecting via voice, cam or in-person. If your new avatar friend resists escalating the connection this way, it's a big red flag. If something smells fishy, IT IS. Unless they suffer from social anxiety and require a slower escalation, this almost always means it's time to cut bait and move on. You are being played.

And remember, some people send 10 year old pics before the meth habit took hold and, of course, some users simply catfish. (Catfishing is when a person uses another person’s sexy pics instead of their own.) The only way to truly guarantee that someone is physically who they say they are is by camming or meeting in person.

IMPORTANT FOR NEW USERS: If someone is a no-show for your first planned meet-up, and you have foolishly skipped the camming stage, you have most likely been hustled. Block the user immediately and keep honing your app skills. 

RECOMMENDATION: Remember, in our Appville game, nothing is real until you meet your pixelated hottie via cam or, ideally, in person. By all means, enjoy the fantasy, enjoy the game, but experience shows, it’s often a crushing waste of time tapping out notes of seduction only to find out your new heartthrob resembles a photo on a post office wall. So, escalate quickly. Inspect the merchandise, sniff the pheromones (if you can), and gage physical and energetic attraction before spending another second projecting your fantasies onto a stranger.

Kirk’s Apptitude Tip #4: Never Assume Two People Are Using an App for the Same Reason at the Same Moment

Just because you are on the hunt for a relationship, don’t assume others care the first thing about intimacy and want more than a BJ.

Just because you are looking for fun with slings and restraints, don't assume others can handle even gentle tickling.

Just because you want passionate connected sex, don't assume others even want to see your face when you enter their bedroom.

Like most people, you probably use apps for different reasons at different times — sometimes with a sense of urgent hunger, sometimes for playful flirting when waiting for a Lyft. Don’t forget that other people are exactly the same. Timing is everything when texting. Energies ebb and flow. It’s possible that you and the object of your affections may just be out of sync at any given moment.

Since desires often can be fleeting and homeostasis is an illusion, avoid prematurely pigeonholing people based on one encounter. It always helps to ask all prospects what they’re looking for in the moment.

WARNING: Always remember that some monogamous users may be looking to you strictly for the dopamine hit that comes from your sexting and woofs. Such people may have zero intention to ever meet. They are there to flirt and maybe rub one out. If sexting doesn’t float your boat, and you want real physical contact, avoid getting strung along. Cut bait.

RECOMMENDATION: Always disclose and ask users what they desire in “this” moment. If out of sync, perhaps revisit when hormones stop raging to reassess compatibility.

Kirk’s Apptitude Tip #3: Don't Swipe Left Tooooo Quickly

While pictures may be worth a thousand words, such is not always the case with profile pics. Some people will look (and feel!) much better to us in person than their pixelated facsimiles. For others, the opposite will be true. This may sound obvious, but let’s not forget the takeaway:

Bypass those you are physically on the fence about at your own detriment because you won’t know until you hang out and spend time together if there is actual attraction and resonance. Some truly attractive people just don’t photograph well. And, a pretty face with a bad attitude can turn ugly pretty quickly.

Always consider that an amazing personality, intelligence and character can make an average looking person beautiful and vice versa. It often simply requires time and a deepening of perception.

Also, why limit searching to sex and dating when new wonderful platonic friendships may also be forged via apps. Who knows, you may have just skipped over a new best friend. That would be unfortunate, especially since friends tend to have a longer shelf life than lovers and that friend may even introduce you to your next lover or partner who is a fixture of their social network.

RECOMMENDATION: Give people the benefit of the doubt even if you think there is only a small chance of connection. You may be pleasantly surprised.